Check yourself.

jenniv:

THAT TIME I DABBLED IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP… 

I was never hit, because God help the man that ever tries to lay a finger on me because this chick would totally get all “When animals attack…”

But seriously, what this dude did was even more sneaky and damaging. I almost prefer that he would have just popped me in the kisser so I could have killed him and moved on.

First, let’s talk about what our relationship was comprised of.  Essentially, he controlled what I did, what I wore, how I did my hair, what I bought, where I went, who I spent my time with - everything.  He didn’t start off by just telling me “You are not allowed to do that”.  It’s behavior modification.  He got angry and punished me through silence and emotional warfare if he didn’t think I was “acting right”.  You learn to avoid the fall outs by not poking the bear.  And by the way, guys like this don’t follow their own rules.  In fact, they change the rules every day but you never get credit for keeping up.  You’re always in trouble for something.

Fucking crazy, right? I mean it’s embarrassing even telling you, trust me. And the horrifying part is that I am a strong girl. Probably the strongest girl you’ve known personally - or through the inter-webs - whatever. I mean, looking back I am horrified at what I succumbed to and trust me no one thinks I am more retarded than I do.

So how does a girl like me get caught in a filthy web like that?  I was depressed in every way and looking for some kind of feeling - anything.  The highs of winning his affection pushed me through the lows of the control and abuse.  It was almost a game to me.  I lied and played this part, just to see if I could beat him.  I lost myself in the drama.  I always knew I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

So here is where my she-woman superhero powers kicked in. The tricky part of getting out of these relationships is that you isolate yourself from your support system and it makes you feel really really alone. I always knew I was better than him and better than the situation. I just knew that once I said no, I was going to have to deal with the reality of my new divorced, single mom life. I used the toxic relationship to distract me from what I needed to deal with. I never believed I wouldn’t find someone else. I just knew it was going to be super exhausting up-hill emotionally draining battle to get rid of him.  

It was.  Faithful to all abusive relationship patterns we had a lot of on again off again bullshit for awhile. He would be kind, call crying, saying he loved me, blahblahblah, begging for another chance.

But in the end, I was the only one that could get myself out of the situation. So I guess, my point in writing this is to help anyone who is in the situation knowthey can get out and to help people that have been in that situation knowthey are still strong.

Participating in that bullshit first hand really taught me what I want in a relationship and how to deal with someone that is abusive. I felt stupid afterward and had to learn how to pardon myself from just continuously punishing myself. It was a reality check that I can be weak. It was an eye-opener to how to be supportive to friends that are in an abusive relationship (see shitty friends blog later).

So here is my practical advice if you find yourself in that situation:

Call him or even text him and say, “It’s done. Don’t contact me.”

Don’t - under any circumstance -    meet him somewhere, get involved in a phone conversation or even a text war. They will try everything to get a reaction - they will be sweet, emotional, hurtful and lastly raging. They are just trying all their tricks to see which one will snag you this time. Don’t be baited.

Tell a friend every single ugly thing this person did so you are held accountable for your actions. You will feel stupid going back after your friend knows everything so it helps you stay strong.

Go out with other people, spend time with family and friends and focus on yourself. Take comfort in the fact that he may have made you temporarily weak but you won in the end. You told him that you were too good for him and he was dumped.

Weeks, months, maybe even years later he will try and be friendly with you. Ignore him. I even blocked his number. Silence is the most powerful thing you can do. You’re not wasting your energy being angry and hurtful to someone but you are communicating that you’re not interested.

Lastly, pray. I fully believe that God allowed that situation to happen because it made me such a stronger person. I understand the point of view and can support people in my life that are in the same situation. I will be a better mother for it. I’m a better wife for it. I’m a better person for it.

So, a big fuck you to all the assholes.

It is INSANE how much she and I can relate. Physical features, emotions, and even life experiences. I just love her and I’m so thankful for her.